Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
