On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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