Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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