i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
