why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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