you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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