Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...