Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.