I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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