very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
And then he peed in my hair
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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