i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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