Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
