my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
