Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
