i jhust puked up my retainher.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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