Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
