1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
