I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize