How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
