I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
