FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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