whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
