i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
