You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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