Don't make out with my wife yet
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
