I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
