Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dick very happy bro
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
