my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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