My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
