i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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