No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
