We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
