Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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