before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
