i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
