Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero