i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
