Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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