why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
