I am in a vortex of obligation.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
