Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
