Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
