your parents love me but you hate me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
