Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
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making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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