I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
