im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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