I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
