Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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