then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
