MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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