and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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