Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
