So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
