I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
