Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Houston, we have a blender
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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