Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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