All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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