i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
operation have a gay friend backfired
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
